Thursday, July 16, 2009

Brewer, Burns find solace in "hunt and peck"


Unable to produce a balanced budget for the state, Gov. Jan Brewer and legislative leaders turned their attention to the most important task at hand — writing press releases.

They have been thumping on their typewriters since 1 a.m. this morning, according to their offices.

“The governor is only using one finger when she is typing, so it makes the process laboriously long,” said Paul Senseman, the governors’ spokesperson. “But she is getting there. The last time I checked, she was almost done with her first paragraph.”

Senseman said Gov. Jan Brewer uses a slick Smith-Corona Silent-Super typewriter, which has been recently painted pink, her favorite color in the entire world.

Senseman said Brewer is making the “ultimate sacrifice” by enduring the pain from the thump-thump-thump motion of her right middle finger.

Meanwhile, Senate President Bob Burns has also been typing furiously using his Olympia SM 3&4, a very efficient machine.

But Buns is faster than the governor since he is reportedly using two middle fingers at the same time.

“It makes sense to use two middle fingers rather than just one, since you can hit two keys at almost the same time and create a two-letter word such as ‘ah’ and ‘oh’ a lot, lot faster,” said Senate communications director Laura Devany.
Author: Morpheus Kingofdreams

Monday, June 22, 2009

Brewer, Legislature locked in staring contest

In the midst of one of the greatest budget battles in history, the Republican-lead Arizona State Legislature passed a 2010 budget that, in their mind, balanced Arizona’s budget deficit without the need to increase taxes. Fellow-Republican and current Governor Jan Brewer, an ardent believer that the state’s budget woes will not be realistically solved without a new source of revenue, threatened to veto the legislative budget.

In order to prevent the budget from being vetoed, legislative leaders have refused to transmit the Governor to the legislature. Instead, they opted for further negotiations with the Governor. In response, Governor Brewer sued the legislature to force them to transfer the bill. With time winding down and a Government shutdown looming on the horizon, the Governor and Legislature feel that there is only one way left to solve their conflict: A staring contest.

Brewer, Senate President Robert “Bob” Burns, and Speaker of the House Kirk Adams have been locked in a staring contest for nearly 72 hours, with very little signs of stopping or letting up. The contest has only been “paused” twice since it was started on Friday: once when Governor sneezed and a second time when Adams was forced to find some Visine to keep his eyes moistened for his trademark “half squinted quizzical look.”

At this time, it’s not clear if the three will break off the contest to take part in tomorrow’s court proceedings. Observers are hoping that the staring stalemate can be decided sometime by the middle of this week. If the deadlock is still in place, people will be called in to start attempting to distract the contestants with funny voices, noises, and constant movement in the background.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Satirists Wanted

Attention local bloggers:

We need your help getting the "real news that is real" out to the world. Send us your story, and we'll get cooking on a poorly craft photoshop to go along with it. Then, we'll post it here at the Arizona Report. We're attempting a comeback, but an expanded writing staff is needed.

-The Arizona Report Eye-Witness News Team

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Janet Napolitano: Big Brother is Watching


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

President Burns: Arizona voters "a bunch of dummies"


Friday, January 16, 2009

Napolitano's budget plan includes a lot of mumbling and income from leprechaun hunting permits


Friday, January 9, 2009

Martin forgets to pretend everything is okay until Napolitano leaves


Friday, December 19, 2008

Napolitano shows off new union bug tattoo


Thursday, December 18, 2008

Sheriff Joe arrests Handy Manny for employer sanctions violations

In the latest efforts to enforce Arizona’s strict employer sanctions laws, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio announced a raid on Handy Manny’s workshop. The shop’s owner Manuel “Manny” Garcia and several of his talking tools were taken into custody.

“You break it, we fix ow, ow, wait please wait,” was the last thing that a local resident heard following a raid that included several gun-toting sheriff’s deputies, a swat truck, and a team of snipers perched on the surrounding rooftops.

The Sheriff’s office was tipped off by a pair of needle-nose pliers who claimed to have information about Garcia’s business. The sheriff’s warrant indicates that they believe several of the talking tools entered the United States illegally and that Manny Garcia knowingly hired them despite their status.

“I don’t care how many people this guy has helped,” said Arpaio, “I need receipts or other documentation of the immigration status of each of his tools or else I am turning them over to ICE and sending this guy to tent city.”

Representatives from the Sheetrock Hills Police Department expressed their outrage that Arpaio did not warn them of his presence or seek their assistance in the arrest.

“I can’t trust any town who would give someone who breaks employer sanctions laws a ‘good citizen award,’” explained Sheriff Arpaio, “Clearly, Sheetrock Hills is a sanctuary city and I don’t need their permission to come to town.”

Some people are questioning if the latest stunt pulled by the Sheriff is merely an attempt to get him media attention from a younger demographic. Arpaio concluded, “The seniors love me, and now its time to get the Playhouse Disney kids on my side. I will bust as many characters as it takes to be just like Mickey Mouse to these kids.”

Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween costumes of your favorite politicians - 2008

The Arizona Report would like to wish everyone a Happy Halloween. Politicians are just like the rest of us – they like to dress up in costumes, bob for apples, and give people tricks and treats. To celebrate the event, we are listing what some of your favorite politicians are going as for Halloween this year. (See the costumes from Last Year)

Barrack Obama – A Giant Acorn

John McCain – Bill Ayers wearing an “I’m with Obama” shirt

Sarah Palin – Amy Poehler (sick of always being Tina Fey)

Joe Biden – Foot with teeth marks

George W. Bush – The Invisible Man

Janet Napolitano – Packed suitcase

Jan Brewer – Democrat’s Nightmare

Harry Mitchell – JD Hayworth

David Schweikert – David Schweikert

John Shadegg – Brett Favre

Bob Lord – Stubs from 9 pay raises

Kyrsten Sinema and Steve May – Bride and Groom

Andrew Thomas –The uniblogger

Tim Nelson – Jason Rose

Joe Arpaio – A librarian

Dan Saban – Joe Arizona

Randy Pullen – Dan Saban holding a Playboy Magazine


If you have any other suggestions, please send them in and we’ll try to get the best ones posted.