New comedy blog thrills all!

Like the Colbert Report’s spoof on conservatives, one of the latest news sources to hit the blogosphere, Az Left, has hit home with its nonstop liberal satire. To the thrill and delight of its readers, the blog has come out with both guns blazing dealing with everything from local races to employer sanctions.

“It is kind of hard to tell if they are serious or not,” said one reader, “But I think that’s part of the beauty. It’s the extremeness of it all.”

While most Democratic candidates attempt to appear more conservative in an attempt to appeal to crossover moderate supporters, the writers behind the blog encourage their patrons to be unabashedly liberal. They have also taken several strides to point out who they believe to be the most liberal candidate in several democratic primaries.

“The comedy is so great because it’s almost like they are trying to sabotage democratic hopefuls,” said another reader who came across the site while doing opposition research, “It’s like they want to touch on all of the things that many of the moderate Dems would want to keep quiet.”

Much of the humor comes from the blog’s steadfast commitment to the suspension of disbelief. While there is no indication on the site that it was created for satirical purposes, many believe the exaggerated opinions clearly indicate that the posts are comedic in nature.

Special Interests line up to conduct backroom deals with Governor

Following the announcement of a deal struck between Governor Napolitano and the Homebuilders of Central Arizona, several other special interest groups expressed their desire to conduct secret dealings with the state’s top executive.

“At first, we were just shocked that she was trying to get anything done,” admitted one top executive, “For six years, she has pretty much just sat back and let things slip by. Imagine our surprise when we found out that she was trying to do something.”

The Governor’s secret backroom has been booked solid since the news broke that the homebuilders were able donate to thousands of dollars in financial support in exchange for preventing millions of dollars in impact fees. Other people are hoping to use their support of the Governor’s transportation and state trust land initiatives to further their causes.

“I’m going to donate money to the state trust land initiative in exchange for more money for railroads,” said Mike Smith, Chairman of the Model Train conductors association, “That thing is going to take all the money it can suck up. How are we supposed to build a scale model of the thing if it doesn’t have the billions it needs to be built?”

Other groups are hoping that they can piggyback on other pet causes of the Governor in an attempt to lighten their financial load. One group intends to fund a carbon tax initiative in exchange for an exemption for RVs used for tailgating. Another group intends to fund early childhood development centers in exchange for grants to continue their “guns for tots” program.

A spokesperson for the Governor expressed her surprise for the number of people willing to cut deals. “To be honest, we never really thought of getting anything done before now, but I guess we have to look back and at least pretend like we tried to get something done. If she would have known how many people would be eager to cut deals, she might have started trying to get stuff done a long time ago.”

Rejected Campaign Slogans - Susan Bitter Smith

We are proud to announce the return of “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. Today we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of recently announced congressional candidate Susan Bitter Smith.

Mead excited to finally be able to openly bash Republicans

Former State Senator, Slade Mead, recently took some time away from encouraging people to help him get the statement “His political future is uncertain” removed from his Wikipedia entry to focus on his new endeavor: a blog on Arizona politics.

His new blog is titled “The Dry Heat” is starting to create a buzz among many in the political community. The name of the blog, a play on the state’s weather, actually refers to the amount of friction that is created when Mead excitedly rubs his hands together as he thinks about all of the Republicans he now gets to openly criticize.

“Oh those crazy Republicans,” writes Mead, “What will they think of next. You know I was registered as one, but I never really thought like them. It was all just pretend.”

The Republican turned Democratic candidate for Superintendent of Public Instruction has been taking it slowly at first, making sure to bash people for their ideas, not solely for their party affiliation. He initially pretended that it just so happened that the targeted criticisms all were aimed at Republicans.

People began to become suspicious when Mead began to openly praise the Arizona Media and endorse both Democratic candidates for “not being Republican.” Next week, Mead plans to launch his series of "101 reasons Democrats rule and Republicans drool."

Top 10 Questions overheard about the Bee for Congress Logo

10. Are you waiting for the “For Congress” to hit a growth spurt?

9. Is it me or does it look kind of a like a catapult?

8. What is the symbolism of the single red word?

7. Did the caps lock get stuck on the bottom part?

6. Does the rounded corner help with aerodynamics?

5. Oh wait, is it like a sword?

4. What’s a timbee?

3. Ah, it’s like a play on words and that’s a bee stinger?

2. No? Okay, am I supposed to relax my eyes for it to make sense?

1. Where is the Tim sailing off to?

People excited to have a self righteous reason to hate New Times

Hating the New Times is not a new concept for many people throughout Arizona. The alternative weekly’s coverage of controversial topics and targeting of politicians including their recent battles with Sheriff Arpaio have raised the ire of many over the years.

However, over the years, people’s dislike for the paper has been tempered by its appeal to younger demographics and its “Best of” categories for places throughout the community. The feelings of ill-will for the weekly bubbled below the surface waiting for an opportunity to arise.

Finally, people were able to kick their hatred into high gear following the public utterance of the “n” word by New Times co-owner Michael Lacey. Crowds of bloggers and conservatives gleefully covered the situation with cries of racism and destroyed credibility.

“Oh man, this is so great!” said Stu Swither, a conservative Arpaio fan, “Nothing gets the self-righteous anger flowing like a good borderline racist remark. You can get anyone to be against something if they think it’s racially charged!”

A blog titled Reddest Color Imaginable wrote, “This kind of stuff doesn’t come along very often. This is actually a two-fer, not only do we get a legitimate reason to beat up a liberal paper for Lacey’s mistake, but we also get to bang on the mainstream media for not making this a bigger deal.”

“We can’t let other people think that this is a crazy, racist state,” said Jim Taylor, an anti-illegal immigration advocate, “People shouldn’t be offended by the notion of the police sweeping through the cities and checking everyone who looks different and make sure they are here legally. But they should be offended if someone uses the ‘n’word.”

As the fall-out from the Lacey incident dies down, people are going back to waiting patiently for an excuse to come out against other hated groups.

Man thinks Marson and Bittner “this close” to making out

House GOP spokesman Barrett Marson and State Democratic Party Communications Director Emily Bittner have squared off several times in recent weeks, leading to harsh exchanges of words and personal attacks. It has also caused at least one Horizon viewer to believe that Marson and Bittner have a “secret relationship.”

“See, look right here as they are talking about CPS,” said Hank Richards, an avid Horizon viewer, “They are about thiiiis close to making out.”

The most recent joint television appearance follows a week of barbs back and forth from Marson and Bittner as well as several blogs who follow Arizona politics. Personal finances, physical appearances, and “my dad is better than your dad” allegations have been exchanged.

“Oh man, I hope this becomes a regular thing,” admitted Richards, “Just look at the heat. On the surface, it looks like they are sitting there being awkwardly cordial to each other. Deep down, there is a fire burning.”

While Richards, a long time Arizona resident and political junkie, is convinced that there is a secret love between Marson and Bittner, he does admit that he has been wrong in the past. In 2002, Richards was convinced that Matt Salmon and Janet Napolitano were secretly email pen pals like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in the movie, “You’ve Got Mail.”

Governor’s Office IM Messages Revealed

In addition to the emails that have been revealed regarding the Governor’s lobbying staff and their efforts to stop HB 2454, the Arizona Report has been able to procure an IM conversation regarding the event.

Haener-dawg: Yo, this bill sux
Repz Campbell: but i don’t want to be the 1 voting against it
S-Barr: :(
Haener-dawg: U have 2
Repz Campbell: Y?
S-Barr: The guv don’t like it
xL'Ecuyerx: I'll be all like “she just doesn’t like one part”
Haener-dawg: LOL
S-Barr: Good 1
Repz Campbell: Fo reelz, I gotta go Yes.
S-Barr: Vote No!
Haener-dawg: No
xL'Ecuyerx: No, but act like u like it
Repz Campbell: There – voted yes
Haener-dawg: aw hellz no. y did u vote 4 it?
S-Barr: WTF?!?
Haener-dawg: watz up with u?
Repz Campbell: sorry
Haener-dawg: eff this. Eff you. Eff the caucus.
S-Barr: yeh, the guv p0wns the caucus.
Repz Campbell: g2g
S-Barr: don’t u leave
Haener-dawg: letz move 2 tha senate chatroom

Martin calls press conference to remind the media he is still around

Arizona State Treasurer Dean Martin announced today that he is still living in Arizona despite a noticeable lack of media stories about him. With Arizona is in the midst of an economic slowdown and Governor Napolitano and the Arizona Legislature are battling to make ends meet in budget negotiations, Martin wanted to make sure that the media was aware that, although he is not in the legislature fixing every bill, he is still as newsworthy as ever.

“I figured, this whole thing is about money, and I am in charge of the money,” said Martin, “I better let the media know that I am still around and working on things.”

Martin held up a giant check register in front of the crowd of on looking reporters and pointed to the balance line. “See this right here?” questioned Martin, “Balanced. And look, we starting to run low on money. We better be careful before we start cutting any more checks.”

The Governor called Martin’s press conference a “publicity stunt” and claimed that the treasurer was acting like “chicken little.”

Martin responded as he started to pull on a chicken costume, “I’m just saying, hey, don’t forget about me. If I wanted to be Chicken Little, I’d run around in this here chicken costume and tell people that the sky is falling.”

“Instead, I am wearing this chicken costume to promote the tasty new Famous Bowls at KFC,” explained the Treasurer, “You see, I am good at making the state some money. I signed a contract with KFC, and they will pay the state for every press conference that I dress up like a chicken. I figure, 2000 or so more press conferences like this, and I will have single-handedly fixed the budget crisis.”

After Martin took off the chicken costume, he began to juggle for the crowd. As the media started to head towards the door, Martin suggested that they bring out a couple of board games to play. He then started talking about movies that he had seen recently and what he would have done to make them better.

Renzi ponders writing a thank you note to Spitzer

Embattled Congressman Rick Renzi breathed a sigh of relief this week as the local and national media turned their focus away from his indictment to cover the scandal surrounding New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. Renzi found that the phone calls started to slow down as more details were revealed about Governor's alleged ties with prostitution.

“One thing is for certain, his scandal is much sexier than mine,” admitted Renzi, “Now that the Spitzer guy is resigning, it’s been fairly quiet around here. I finally have had some time to myself.”

Renzi recently plead not guilty to federal charges including extortion, insurance fraud, and money laundering. Since the indictment, there have been calls for his resignation, including from vocal critics like Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano.

“Boy, the Dems were really giving the resignation talk to me with both barrels,” said the 3 term congressman, “But now they have really quieted down a bit. Maybe I should write Spitzer a thank you note for taking some of the heat.”

Sources close to Renzi admit that the timely investigation of Governor Spitzer has eased some strain of the media glare. Several admitted that they secretly hoped that more details of transactions and shocking rendezvous would keep him out of the headlines.

“We’re hoping that by the time the dust from this scandal clears,” admitted a Renzi confidant, “Rick will be old news. The Congressman should really send that guy more than a thank you card - he at least deserves a fruit basket.”